Not Just Toast, Croutons

Now that the former U.S. Senator, former vice-presidential nominee and former presidential hopeful, John Edwards is seeming off the criminal hook for alleged campaign fund shenanigans, it’s time to decide if Mankind can take anymore of his public presence.

We know we’ll never get away with invoking the Old Testament and how it deals with adulterers. That method, in some people’s opinions is probably the right outcome for our gay population; the country is too advanced for that. There could well be, however, two possible outcomes, which, to me at least, might make sense for Mr. Slick.

One is to match him up with the original king of slick. Edwards says he wants to help the children all over the world. Now, it seems to me Bill Clinton’s current foil, G.H.W. Bush, has perhaps become a bit long in the tooth. Maybe it’s time to connect these two Southern gentlemen a chance to travel the Earth looking to provide the right dose of solace to those at their wit’s end. Ponder on it: two, as one and their silk-tongue devil-may-care approach to the hurt.

But, there is another one even more diabolical in its brilliance (it is slick).

Since Edwards was involved in an alleged plot to misdirect the contents of his campaign coffers, how about sitting him a room with a handful of ne’er-do-wells equally adept at playing Three Card Monte with someone else’s hard-earned cash?

They can all go off to the prison of their choice and diligently worked on a new campaign finance law. We’ll get Jack Abramoff, Bernie Madoff, Ken Lay and one of those Wall Street bankers known for fiscal sleight-of-hand.

This can be their penance for all their lies and deceit. Who better to know how best to prevent crimes against the electorate then by having these financial wizards and one sharp plaintiff’s attorney lay out a foolproof plan to enable citizens to once again have a say in who they choose to represent them. These guys know all the backdoors and trapdoors. Surely, they can come up with a scheme to get us back in the political game.

John Edwards and the rest of his pals need to do something for us for a change. White collar crime is so unassailable when it comes to consistently fair punishment for the perps. Edwards wasn’t convicted, but his apology was rife with regret for all the harmed he caused. C’mon fellas, belly up to the bar and get drunk on real power, the kind that helps us all.